mom-shaped hole in my heart…

It healed well.    image

I got this the day my mother died.

But the scar will always be there.

“I have a mom-shaped hole in my heart. Turns out it’s not a fatal condition, but it is a primal spot that no one will ever fill. For a long time, I worried that with the closest relationship in my life suddenly severed, I would never feel whole again. Who would ever understand me in all the ways my mother did?”

Not all wounds heal the same and time does not heal.

I’m a scar-freak, I worry right away if I have a cut, a wound or even a zit… thinking it will leave a scar.  I freaked out in front of my surgeon when my ganglion cyst surgery ended up with one long scar in my elbow, and I did all sort of scar removal cream and vitamin E.

But this time, I just let the wound take its course…. regardless of any future scar.  I guess this is the one last memory I have with my mother that I will cherish, forever.

I woke up this day last year numb to the spine.

My mother died.

I cried hard the moment I read the news.  I thought I was ready for it…

but nah, you can never be ready for death.

For a moment my body moved, made calls, then it froze again.

I knew she was dead, but I didn’t feel anything.  I was cold.

Stoic..

Oh no, I felt bad for my self knowing I do not have a father, and now, I don’t have my mother.  That made me a one freakin’ fortyish frigid orphan….

Good thing I have Ande by my side to drag me around, literally, so I can do things I was supposed to do.

July 25, 2017 at 8:30 pm, while unloading the last stuff in my trunk, the groceries flew in the air and I landed on the ground face down, my left hand and knee took all the blows… to save my pretty face.

I guess my mother pushed me and she must have pushed me real hard that I felt the pain from that time onwards.  I had a hard time sleeping.  It was tasking to take a shower without my mouth twisted into a grimace…

I did not remember the day it stopped hurting.  But I still find myself teary-eyed for nothing.

G.

No one will fill that void.
I have a mom-shaped hole in my heart.  Turns out it’s not a fatal condition, but it is a primal spot that no one will ever fill.   For a long time, I worried that with the closest relationship in my life suddenly severed, I would never feel whole again.  Who would ever understand me in all the ways my mother did? (Lindsay Harrison)

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